My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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