She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
