I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
this will be a night to untag.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
