guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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