whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
