four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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