Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
