i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
