Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
