Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
