So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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