Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
