i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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