I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
