this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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