Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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