If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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