Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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