watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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