Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
