i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
