I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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