yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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