I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
