It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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