I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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