theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
