Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
