Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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