Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
