Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize