I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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