I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
