if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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