We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize