Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
