Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
