dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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