Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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