She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
