dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
