yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
