I'm gonna have a badass scar
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize