kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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