Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I looked at my own cervix.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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