Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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