why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
