Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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