Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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