don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
