this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize