I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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