I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm getting married
To pizza
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
