Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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