gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the day after is always just damage control
Girls should come with a carfax report
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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