I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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