I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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