Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
