he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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