His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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