Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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