Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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