either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
