You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
